He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
smell my finger.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
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