im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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