I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
