Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
