I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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