We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
did you just send me my own nude
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
