i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
