Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
