Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
