It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
