this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
