You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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