So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
