His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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