...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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