Who did Billy Mays play for?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
