I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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