He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
