Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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