I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
