My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
