I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
