Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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