Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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