I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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