I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I have fence marks all over my body
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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