Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
