Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Your penis caused this!
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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