Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
