Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
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