Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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