I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
