The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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