i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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