I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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