why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
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