Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
