I haven't been this sober since birth.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
