I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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