I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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