My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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