I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
