Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
so let's talk penis.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
