mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just found puke in my bra..
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Randomize
