I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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