that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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