Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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