Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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