Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
