What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
