My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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