i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
