I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
