This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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