Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
