Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
